#TruthCorner

Ok so I took the weekend off life. I left all my responsibilities behind, hopped on a train and went to visit an old friend. It was fab, it was great but when I got back all my problems were there to greet me. So I tried to sleep it off, but when I woke up my problems were still there. So conclusion, you can’t run away from your problems, but believe me I’ve tried.

Every problem I have that I can’t fix I run away from it. Whether it be health problems or emotional ones I just try my best to ignore it and focus on something else. Surprise, surprise this isn’t what I wanted to write about but it’s about time I stopped running away from the topic. 

My dad. 

Wow oh wow I’m a black teen and I have daddy issues what a shocker but sadly this is one statistic I’m part of. My mum never said a bad word about him so I’ve never really understood what went on between them, one day he was there then he wasn’t and then he was married to someone else. But, in usual Jade fashion instead of actually talking to him, I ran away from a real honest conversation that he could respond to and did a brain dump on the internet. Granted instead of the usual medium of depressing tweets/snaps I chose a blog, but the pattern was the same I ran away from potentially hearing what I didn’t want to hear. So I guess an honest conversation is pending, but I can’t blame all my issues on him. 

Weirdly enough in the long run this blogging thing has been very therapeutic but recently I’ve been using it to run away from my truth. I’m not a health/fashion blogger, this isn’t why I started this, so why am I trying to be something I’m not. My USP was that I’m basically shit at living an emotional healthy life and for some bizarre reason at 3am on a random day in summer I decided to share that, and then I kept going. 

Just to be clear this isn’t a I’ve stopped running post. Looool, I’m still running full speed ahead, asthma pump in hand and all. But part of growing is first accepting where you are (I think). Ideally I’d like to look back at this post and be in a position where I’m no longer scared of life. I feel like I’ve been so scared of dying early I’m almost too scared to really try and live a normal life. I mean uni or make friends or fall in love, as death was always something on the cards for me. If you don’t know my medical history you’re probably confused, but that’s another heart to heart for another day. Anyway I’m crying now so think it’s time to stop this “being honest with myself thing”. 

Yeah bye.