I've Come A Long Way

Today marks 4 months since I posted my first blog post: "So, I've Randomly Started A Blog" and a lot has changed. So, in the spirit of self-reflection that often comes as the end of the year rolls around, I thought I'd do a little compilation of what I've learnt over the last 4 months. In the grand scheme of things, 4 months is not a long time but boy, have these past 4 months been jam-packed.

Let's start with the good stuff, the positive things I've learnt so far. Firstly, confidence. Now, I'm not talking about the "fake it till you make it" confidence that I was happily living with, but this new inner confidence. Before, if I was publicly speaking I'd be outwardly confident but my heart would be racing on the inside, my face would get really hot and sometimes I'd even start sweating. I'd be analysing every little thing I did or said and how others were reacting to it. Afterwards, I'd always thank God I wasn't white because at least my face didn't go red.

Now, when I say public speaking I'm not exclusively talking about speeches or things to a crowd, I mean anything other than talking to myself. So even just one-on-one discussions with friends or family, would have me feeling this way. But now it has got to the point where I feel validated in my opinions. I've realised that I have every right to my opinion and so why shouldn't I feel that I have the right to express it? The physical confidence is not there yet, after falling (terribly) off my fitness journey my body is no longer near it's peak but I now have confidence in my ability to get it there. On the flip side, I'm slowing learning how to pose my body at its current stage, so at least I'm on longer as nervous about pictures.

Now, the bad stuff. This isn't necessarily bad but things that I already knew, but didn't want to accept. Firstly, bad relationships. With this blogging thing I've realised now more than ever that not everyone wants you to succeed. This is something that I'd heard about you know, from Twitter rants about 'haters' and people talking about bad friends, but I hadn't really experienced this. For me, anything someone does that's positive whether they're a friend or not, I'm more than happy to support. From retweeting to posting on my snapchat to just sending them words of encouragement. But oh Lord on the other side of things I didn't experience the same.

Now, this isn't going to be one big shady indirect because that's not what I'm about. Let me make it clear, I've received a tremendous amount of support and I've definitely appreciated it, so big shoutout to my riders you know who you are!! But, in 2018 for my own mental well-being things are going to change. I constantly give my all to people that I consider to be friends, then don't get the same in return but still give my all. There's a saying that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" so by that definition I've been acting insane. But no more. The act of cutting people off is not as easy as it seems, deleting numbers and stopping all forms of communication is difficult when people have become tangled in your life. Instead it's a slow process of re-proritising and re-accessing how you deal with such people. So more of a slow and steady walk away instead of a sprint, but that process has already started and I'm already seeing the positives. Prioritising the people that uplift, encourage and love me is something that I'm looking forward to working on in the future because without them I don't where I'd be.

I've also learnt a lot about myself. Ignoring the last few posts, this blog has been mainly very emotional self-reflection in the realist form. Most of these things I knew, but by writing them down I saw how negatively I view myself. From my inability to ask for help to keeping my emotions in until I have a breakdown, the use of this blog as a therapy session has been beyond needed. It's almost as if I separate my emotions from myself so that I advise myself as if I was advising a friend. In less confusing terms it's helped me get out of my own head. Now, by identifying the problems I can fix them. This is also why my blog is changing but that's another discussion for another post.

Four months ago I had just come back from Napa (Ayai Napa in Cyprus not Napa Valley in California as one of my aunties thought) and I was getting ready to go back to uni. Unbeknownst to me, my decision to ramble on about my emotions towards my relationship with my dad at 6am, would lead to the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life. From amazing self belief to extreme sadness I've gone through it all these past few months and it's been hard but I'm definitely glad. This was meant to be a one off post, just to be air out my dirty laundry which my dad hates as I was feeling spiteful, then it was a hobby, then an essential emotional release and now a potential future career.

So, here's to the next 4 months, the next 1 year, 2 years and however long this blogging thing continues. But definitely for the long haul.

Wish me luck!
J xx