Always Missing My Fave
Growing up my grandad was like a father figure.
Before the epic adventures of Jade and Nana, there was my grandad and I. We shared the same birthday so I guess a connection was inevitable. When he died it hit me hard.
Before that, I hadn't lost anyone close to me. It was a new emotional challenge that I wasn't ready for. Especially because even though he was 89, he had survived 2 strokes and was enroute to being back to himself. He was back to speaking normally and the carer helping my nana out, was now part time. My mum and all her siblings had even started making arrangements for a big 90th birthday celebration, where all his kids and grandkids would be together for the first time in years. Then all of a sudden a random Sunday morning my sister and I woke up to a large breakfast spread. There were pancakes, sausages, bacon, everything. My mum can cook but doesn't like to, so whenever she does, it was always for a big announcement. Up until this point the announcements had always been good, so I was excited. We finished eating, she sat my sister and I down and started rambling about death being a part of life and how he was old etc etc. But she didn't say who 'he' was.
"Grandad passed away last night"
It's weird because even over 3 years later, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember everything. I've honestly never cried like that in my life and what's worse was that it was hard to explain my pain. He wasn't my dad, he wasn't my husband and he lived far away in Nigeria so it wasn't like I saw him everyday. But honestly he was like my heartbeat. During my awkward self-hating stage he was there whenever I needed to talk, I had more real conversations with him than anyone up to that point. He taught me how to talk my mind, he always made me laugh, he was silly, smart and a free spirit. He'd lived a hard life but you couldn't ever tell by his smile.
Selfishly, my feeling after the shock was fear: who's my father figure now. I felt abandoned by my father figure for a second time, combine that with an inability to process these emotions and the result wasn't fun to say the least.
Now, it's not all doom and gloom, someone did step up or rather a couple of people: my uncles. They've been absolutely great. In fact that's an understatement, they've been amazing, the best and more. They've got their own lives, their own kids, their own struggles yet they're always there for me. I don't know how to even express my gratitude to them, they turned up to a full time role that they didn't even apply for. I mentioned in an earlier post that when I started uni money was tight at home. My uncles stepped in and they're how I made it through the first semester at uni without a job. It's amazing how my grandad lives on through his sons.
So, this is for the only person that's broken my heart and for the people that helped fix it. I love you forever and always.
Chizzy x
Before the epic adventures of Jade and Nana, there was my grandad and I. We shared the same birthday so I guess a connection was inevitable. When he died it hit me hard.
Before that, I hadn't lost anyone close to me. It was a new emotional challenge that I wasn't ready for. Especially because even though he was 89, he had survived 2 strokes and was enroute to being back to himself. He was back to speaking normally and the carer helping my nana out, was now part time. My mum and all her siblings had even started making arrangements for a big 90th birthday celebration, where all his kids and grandkids would be together for the first time in years. Then all of a sudden a random Sunday morning my sister and I woke up to a large breakfast spread. There were pancakes, sausages, bacon, everything. My mum can cook but doesn't like to, so whenever she does, it was always for a big announcement. Up until this point the announcements had always been good, so I was excited. We finished eating, she sat my sister and I down and started rambling about death being a part of life and how he was old etc etc. But she didn't say who 'he' was."Grandad passed away last night"
It's weird because even over 3 years later, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember everything. I've honestly never cried like that in my life and what's worse was that it was hard to explain my pain. He wasn't my dad, he wasn't my husband and he lived far away in Nigeria so it wasn't like I saw him everyday. But honestly he was like my heartbeat. During my awkward self-hating stage he was there whenever I needed to talk, I had more real conversations with him than anyone up to that point. He taught me how to talk my mind, he always made me laugh, he was silly, smart and a free spirit. He'd lived a hard life but you couldn't ever tell by his smile.Selfishly, my feeling after the shock was fear: who's my father figure now. I felt abandoned by my father figure for a second time, combine that with an inability to process these emotions and the result wasn't fun to say the least.
Now, it's not all doom and gloom, someone did step up or rather a couple of people: my uncles. They've been absolutely great. In fact that's an understatement, they've been amazing, the best and more. They've got their own lives, their own kids, their own struggles yet they're always there for me. I don't know how to even express my gratitude to them, they turned up to a full time role that they didn't even apply for. I mentioned in an earlier post that when I started uni money was tight at home. My uncles stepped in and they're how I made it through the first semester at uni without a job. It's amazing how my grandad lives on through his sons.
So, this is for the only person that's broken my heart and for the people that helped fix it. I love you forever and always.
Chizzy x
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