The Real OG Of Stammering

Hiya, yeah hey so I'm back to random thoughts at early hours of the morning. Ok cool.

So, on Wednesday I went to a careers event that involved networking. I hate networking.

For me the core idea of networking is to establish relationships with people, relationships that could be mutually beneficial to your career. So, basically making work friends. I think networking is essential and once the relationship is formed I don't really have an issue with building it, it's the initial stage I hate.

From a young age, I've had a stammer and luckily, it's gotten better but it's still there. To be honest it's a real confidence buster. Quite a few years ago there was this TV show on Channel 4 called Educating Yorkshire and there was this boy that had a really bad stammer and I remember people at school talking about the show and laughing at him. I thought this must be the way they laugh at me. What makes my stammer worse is that it's not an insecurity that I can put a positive spin on. I can say instead of being awkwardly tap I'm elegant, if I feel I need to lose weight I can change my diet, go to the gym and see it as a positive lifestyle change. But what's positive about a stammer? Nothing.

Most people see stammering as a sign of lack of confidence or that you're unsure of what you're saying, so when it seems like I'm unsure about everything I'm saying to be honest it's crap. The way my heart drops every time I struggle to get a word out and I start mentally scrabbling for an alternative is terrifying. And it happens with every few sentences.

To try and hide it I tend to speak really fast and choose words I know I can definitely say. Funnily enough these tend to be more complex words for example I'd say, "I'm in a laissez-faire type mood" instead of "I'm feeling relaxed” just to avoid to prominent 'r' in relax. Often people mistake my use of unnecessary vocabulary for being well spoken but in reality, I just can't say those words. 

Alongside stammering I also have difficulty saying the 'r' sound in general. To put it simply I pronounce my words like a child. So, I say "Fwance" instead of "France" or "wiver" instead of river". Now, in my head they sound the same but it gets to a point when everyone around you is saying that you don't pronounce 'r' correctly that you have to accept it. I only realise this when I was around 16 and I started sixth form. My secondary school was all girls but my sixth form was mixed and for some reason some of the boys noticed it immediately. To the point where I asked my mum and she said I just never learnt how to pronounce "r's" properly but she assumed just like the stammer I would grow out of it but I never did. 

Anyway, back to why I don't like networking. My stammer gets worse when I'm nervous or excited. Now, in a networking scenario I'm either excited that I'm getting the opportunity to meet exciting and inspirational people or nervous for the same reason. So, the stammer gets worse and I feel inferior hence the fear of networking. Now, the only real way to get over this is to practice and hope that one day I'll get comfortable enough that in networking situations my stammer goes back to every few sentences instead of every other word. This is also why I blog instead of having a YouTube channel. I find writing blogs quite calming and relaxing but when people tell me they read them I get all nervous. So, I imagine I'd be nervous on camera and I can't be stammering all over the internet like an idiot so I type all over the internet instead.

Anyway, so at this networking event I mentioned to my friend that I hate networking because it makes me nervous and she said she was surprised because I'm the most confident person she knows. That really made me think because I wouldn't consider myself a confident person. When I think of confident people, I think of someone who's self-confident in what they can and can't do, someone who knows who they are, someone who pushes themselves to be their best. Me? Well, I only notice my skills when someone points them out to me, I'm not really sure who I am but at least I do set very high standards for myself. So, according to my criteria I score 1/3. What type of confident person can't speak fluently in a single language?

Isn't so weird how people closest to you always see the fab bits about you that you don't see?

Anywho. If one day my stammer decides to finally release me after 19 years of torment I'll let you know. But, until then I will be avoiding words with the letter "r" and other words that pray for my demise till the end of time.