Jade vs Sandra: Who's The Real Me?

So, for those of you reading that met me at uni or in sixth form, that I'm not really close to, you probably met Sandra and not Jade. No, I'm not mentally ill but yes I have an alter-ego, an arguably better version of myself: Sandra.

Now, don't ask me why I chose that name because to be honest I can’t remember but whoever was there when she was officially named please let me know. Sandra is the more confident, outspoken version of myself. She's the Sasha Fierce to my Beyoncé, the Xtina to my Christina Aguilera. In situations that make me feel stressed or nervous, Sandra thrives, commands attention and even makes other feel at ease. Sandra is also a party animal, the one who loves tequila shots vs Jade who likes wine.

Don't get confused I don't have two brains or anything like that, everything I do is a conscious decision I make and something I want to do. But in my mind I can push aside my worries and insecurities if I decide to do things as Sandra.

Jade is not a polar opposite to Sandra though, more like a quieter version. This is the version of myself who has fun watching the all things superhero back to back by myself and practically becomes a mute when put in situations where I don't know anyone. But being quieter allows me to spend more time learning and watching the world being a spectator instead of forcing myself to be a player. 

Was Sandra a good addition to my life? Definitely.

All the opportunities I’ve experienced are because of the confidence and self-belief I’ve tapped into from her. Even this blog, Jade was having heart palpations when I shared the first post with my dad whereas Sandra just dropped the link on WhatsApp and that was that. So, if you’re reading this and you have confidence issues definitely get you a Sandra she’ll help you overcome some of your fears by forcing you into situations you fear head first, so when you come out the other side and you’re still alive you’ll end up building your confidence. However, the key is not to become too emotionally invested in your alter-ego you still need to love yourself, you have to be careful to not idolise her because that can be dangerous. Being an unauthentic version of yourself is deeper that others labelling you a fake friend etc. but you can actually end up losing your true self. The very thoughts, dreams and ideals that led you to create the alter-ego in the first could be replaced. In simple terms don’t create a monster fueled by lies instead of just a fearless version of your true self.

The whole point of this post is as I've got older I've become less reliant on Sandra as I see myself becoming her. Initially at uni I decided I had to be Sandra because there's no way anyone would like Jade; weird, strangely tall and a fat kid in disguise. Sandra instead is fun, elegantly tall and just a lover of cakes. But now I see myself as a mix of both sides of my personality. I'm a lot more confident, I don't see my height as a negative, my weirdness is now quirkiness and my love of cakes is slowly being controlled but who cares if it's not.

So who am I now?

I'm not the old Jade shy and overly insecure but I'm not completely Sandra and I don't want to be.

So who am I?

Anyway there are my thoughts at 3am.

Peace Out from

Jandra

Sade

Jadera

Me


P.S. I actually wrote this nearly two months ago but I was too scared to post it, but here I am posting it, so progress has been made